October 19th
2023
Got boundaries? You should! Healthy co-parenting relies on mutual respect, which is easier to achieve when both parenting partners clearly define what that means to them. To treat each other how we want to be treated, we need to know what those preferences are. At KohParenting, we understand that establishing boundaries can be challenging, but we also know how important they are to forming an effective co-parenting partnership. Read on to learn more about boundary-setting and how it can be useful in your relationships with your co-parent… and everyone else in your life!
Boundaries are essential in human relationships. Boundaries are also exceedingly difficult to maintain, especially when going from romantic partners to parenting partners. The reasons why it’s so tough to set boundaries are the same reasons they’re so important, and it all comes down to our emotions versus our self-control.
Our survival depends on our ability to read what’s happening to and around us and formulate a plan of action. Our brain, which plays a huge role in this, seeks coherent patterns in the information it gathers because they make it easier for it to do its job; if similar conditions predict similar outcomes, then it knows what to tell our bodies to do. For example, if we hear the roar of a lion, we know to run for our lives, or if we see smoke from a fire, we know to keep our hands away from the flame so that we don’t get burned. In both scenarios, our knowledge allows us to act quickly, without wasting precious time thinking about what’s going on or what to do.
These judgment calls get more complicated when it comes to human interactions. Relationships aren’t always so clear-cut, and our emotions often take over. These emotions, while important and advantageous in their own right, can cloud our judgment and impede us from making logical choices. Our antidote to this? Structure. Rules. And boundaries.
Boundaries in relationships refer to invisible lines that define emotional or physical space. They govern how we interact with other people. Examples include:
Boundaries themselves are passive; they exist in our minds as we envision them ourselves or hear about them from other people. They don’t really mean much unless they’re enforced. But once we begin to get into setting boundaries, we turn them into tools for taking charge of our lives. Setting a boundary involves (a) awareness of one’s personal preferences, (b) communicating the expectation to others, and ( c) enforcing that boundary in real time. The process can be extremely empowering and can allow people a sense of agency over their lives.
However, honoring boundaries can be really, really difficult. We need them to help reign in our baser instincts, but those same strong urges and feelings also make it hard for us to adhere to them in many scenarios… including co-parenting relationships.
The end of a romantic relationship evokes a plethora of emotions. When childless people break up, they can usually limit their contact with their exes and give themselves time and space to heal. Co-parents, however, do not have that luxury; they must muddle through all those feelings AND so many new ones alongside their former partners as they parent their children. In this case, boundaries can act as a blueprint for them to follow as they work through the ins and outs of their new family dynamic.
But let’s say you and your ex get along well; does this information still apply to you? We’d say, YES! Suppose you and your partner would describe your separation as “amicable” or for whatever reason question the need for boundaries in your relationship. In that case, we’d encourage you to think a little deeper. At KohParenting, we find that sometimes couples underestimate the differences between their relationship as parenting partners and their relationship as romantic partners. They may believe they’ll transition seamlessly into their new roles as co-parents. However, these “seamless transitions” aren’t the norm.
Instead, even in the “friendliest” of situations, you may find it awkward or downright challenging to navigate things like how often you speak to each other, how open you are in discussing your personal life, how you handle new love interests or romantic partners, etc. Setting boundaries can avoid unnecessary conflict and hurt by anticipating some of these scenarios and scripting a response that will satisfy you both.
Sometimes boundaries in relationships take on a negative connotation- as if they’re synonymous with pushing people away or putting up walls. In truth, it IS important to be mindful of this extreme! Sometimes people can take them too far and end up creating barriers that impede their intimacy or connection with others. However, most of the time the idea of establishing boundaries signifies a positive change in your relationships. You will be set up to fail if you don’t understand your parenting partner’s expectations, and vice versa. Clarifying your boundaries with each other, on the other hand, enables you to both treat each other how you’d like to be treated… and this is the seed from which healthy, respectful co-parenting relationships grow.
No co-parent wants to dive empty-handed into the deep waters of boundary-setting! There are some important things to consider beforehand so that you can define and enforce boundaries that feel authentic and helpful for you and your parenting partner. These include:
Ex.: You can say something like, “We both agreed not to discuss [x] in front of our daughter. When you start talking about it and getting loud with me, I feel uncomfortable and worry that it will make our daughter uncomfortable, too. I am going to leave now and we can pick a time when she’s not around to continue the conversation.”
NOTE: As always, we should mention here that if you and your parenting partner have a legal parenting agreement, you are required to follow that agreement or risk legal consequences. This agreement likely outlines some boundaries for both of you. If you feel that either of you struggles to adhere to any of those boundaries, or that you need to amend or add to them, you will need to do so through your legal team.
As Brene Brown once said, “Boundaries are not walls; they are bridges that connect us to healthier relationships.” As you embark on your co-parenting journey, you may sometimes feel like you’re in uncharted territory. By setting boundaries, you and your parenting partner can create a roadmap to a better place. Share this post with your co-parent and get on your way!
October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month! Next week, we’ll be dedicating our post to this important cause and its impact on co-parenting families. Stay tuned!
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