“I want to do better for my kids,” and “I was raised that way, and I turned out fine!” These two statements represent two conflicting sides of a perennial debate that rages on amongst today’s co-parents. We often hear people talk about how they want to give their children a better upbringing; yet at the same time, we also hear others question what’s so wrong with the “old” ways if we’ve lived to tell about it. So which is it? Should we aim to be different, or follow in our ancestors’ footsteps? Join Koh-Parenting as we set out on a two-part journey to find the answer. This week, we’ll travel through time to explore the changes in child-rearing practices over the years, and what it all means for your co-parenting. Stay tuned for part 2, where we’ll discuss the impact of your parents’ choices on your current behavior.

The Gist

• Parenting practices have evolved over the years, due to a variety of factors including advancements in research, healthcare, and technology, increased availability of information on best practices, changing dynamics of American families, and greater awareness of the importance of children’s mental health.
• Over time, child-rearing approaches have generally progressed from being reactive/punitive to being more proactive and nurturing. Positive discipline is an example of a popular present-day philosophy that takes a more loving stance toward parenting.
• While parenting has trended toward a more caring, respectful approach, there is still great debate amongst professionals and caregivers themselves. Today’s parents face an abundance of conflicting information, and this can be confusing.
• Co-parents can be most effective with their parenting when they work together to synchronize their approach to discipline.

Parenting Through the Ages:

There’s no question that the science of caring for children has evolved greatly over the years. Our perception of children, childhood, and the parent-child relationship has changed, which in turn has shifted aspects of our parenting, including:

• 
  How we handle emotions and their expression
• 
  How we view children and their brains: are they unique beings who should be treated according to their age, or little adults who should be made to conform to the adult way of doing things?
• 
  Who leads the way: Should we allow our children to set the tone and follow their cues, or should we be directing what they do?
• 
  How we structure our routines: should they be rigid/fixed, or flexible?
• 
  How we motivate them: through punishment, or through rewards?

• 
  How we foster independence in their actions and thoughts: how long do we do things for them, and at what point do we expect them to act independently? Do we encourage them to question us, or demand blind obedience?

Let’s explore the progression of the predominant societal beliefs about caring for children. restrict_after (To read about this in greater detail, visit)

• 
  Primitive parenting through punishment: In the early days of civilization, children were often treated as animalistic beings, with an innately sinful nature, who must be broken down and beaten (often literally) into submission. Physical force dominated, capitalizing on the power differential between the bigger, better-equipped adult and the smaller, helpless child. In some instances, children were abandoned if their parents were unable or unwilling to care for them.
• 
  The 19th century saw the slow beginnings of the concept of “child welfare.” The New York Society for the Protection of Children was founded in 1875 as the first organization solely devoted to child protection. Over time, the New Deal era and the passage of the CATPA act in 1974 (which created the National Center on Child Abuse and Neglect) attributed responsibility to the federal government to protect its children. Throughout this time period until the present day, the court system enacted laws and policies establishing its role in overseeing caregivers. While the specifics varied from state to state (and still do!), parents were generally granted the right to discipline their children through reasonable means. However, physical, emotional, and sexual abuse and neglect acquired legal definitions and ramifications, setting a standard of care. Read more
• 
  In the early 1900s, the educational system in the U.S. began implementing strategies to coerce children into positive behavior through rewards and punishments.
• 
  In 1946, Dr. Benjamin Spock, a pediatrician, published one of the most influential books of all time, entitled Common Sense Book of Baby and Child Care. Ironically, the approach he promoted was, at the time, anything but common. Spock advised parents to trust their own instincts, and to follow their babies’ cues rather than impose rigid, adult-centered routines on them. In recommending this, he implied that children weren’t just little mini-adults who should be pushed into adult habits but rather uniquely-functioning creatures with different needs. His suggestions required parents to sometimes adapt to their children, rather than vice versa. Learn more
• 
  Backlash against Dr. Spock characterized his style as “overly indulgent” or permissive, and led some theorists with opposing viewpoints to revert back to a more authoritarian approach.
• 
  In the 1980s, the idea of “positive parenting” took shape. Dr. Jane Nelson and Lynn Lott, building upon a foundation set by the influential psychologist, Dr. Alfred Adler, wrote books on Positive Discipline which took flight and became popular amongst parents and educators alike. Positive Discipline adopts the viewpoint that all humans, regardless of age, seek to belong and to connect with others. It interprets misbehavior by children as their misguided, uninformed way of trying to get their needs met. The antidote then to this is to understand the underlying need and coach them in a better method of meeting it (Read More).

The above describes, in truncated fashion, the evolution of parenting psychology in the United States (which was, of course, influenced by schools of thought from all over the globe). However, what it doesn’t do is highlight the role that culture plays in our child-rearing practices. We are referring to culture both at the larger level (that is, the culture of larger groups of people united by geographic region, racial/ethnic background, religion, etc.) and at the individual family level (because, truthfully, each family is its own unique culture).

Racial, ethnic, religious, socioeconomic, and many other factors related to culture all shape how people parent; this cannot be understated. It would be impossible to cover every cultural belief system regarding this, but it’s still important to be aware of. What we can do, though, is trace the general evolution of parenting perceptions in popular US culture, which is what we have done here.

On the whole, you could summarize the above as a progression from punitive to more loving, nurturing practices. However, parenting psychology today is still a mixed bag. The topic dominates conversations and heated debates continue. Concepts like “gentle parenting,” “helicopter parenting,” “attachment parenting,” etc. are bandied about and are both promoted and reviled.

Kids are still kids. So why has our parenting changed so much?

Biologically, our species hasn’t changed that much over the past few decades. Child development may have shifted slightly, but for the most part, the patterns and milestones are the same. So what accounts for such major changes in our philosophy about raising kids? Here are some possible explanations.

• 
  Advancements in research: Year after year, study after study, our body of knowledge on the best practices in childcare has grown.
• 
  Advancement in healthcare: Due to improvements in medicine and healthcare, we live longer and have a higher quality of life. Now that we don’t need to devote all our energy to survival, we can contemplate other things- like our relationships with our children.
• 
  Advancements in technology: Technology has touched every aspect of our lives. One impact is the way in which we communicate. It’s so easy now to share and disseminate the latest information on parenting. Caregivers of today have 24/7 access to advice on virtually anything.
• 
  Increase in service options: These days, most children have regular preventative visits with their pediatricians, in which parents can get feedback and suggestions. They can also be referred for specialized services, like parenting support programs such as Roadmap to Healthier Co-Parenting, early intervention, special education, etc.
• 
  Awareness of mental health: Through the work of mental health researchers, psychologists, and advocates, we have continued to learn more about the importance it plays in our overall wellness- in childhood and adulthood. Today’s parents have the opportunity to be much more informed on their children’s emotional world and how much of an important role they can play in their social-emotional development.
• 
  Changing dynamics within the family unit: The makeup of America’s families has evolved; the heteronormative, married, two-parent male-female pair with 2.5 biological children all living in the same home has morphed into something altogether different. Parental divorce and separation has increased, as has single parenthood. Those who wish to become parents have many options: they can access fertility treatments, adopt, foster, etc. Adults in the US have generally been waiting longer to have children than they did before; for example, the average age of first-time mothers in the US is 27.3 (Source). All of these changes inevitably impact parenting practices.
• 
  Lifestyle differences: Our beliefs about male-female roles have evolved. Fathers of today tend to be more actively involved in parenting than their predecessors, while more mothers work outside the home. Also, in general, families spend less “quality” time together than in years past; parents spend more waking hours at work, while kids jet back and forth between activities and may also spend more time with other non-parental caregiving adults. According to a 2019 study (find it here), 4 out of 5 parents say their kids have complained that they parents don’t spend enough time with them, while 55% admit that even when they’re attempting to do so, they’re feeling preoccupied. On the flip side, others say that the quantity of time is less significant than the manner in which parents and their kids interact during that time; some sources would go far as to say that some parents today are overly involved in their children’s activities, to their detriment (Source).

It’s also important to note the indelible influence of stress (physical/health-related, financial, emotional, relationship,etc.) and trauma on parenting. Whether these factors are unique to individual families or to our population at large (such as Covid, for example!), they impact our overall functioning, which in turn impacts how we care for our kids.

How Changing Beliefs Impact Co-Parenting: