Do you and your parenting partner find yourself arguing over how to manage your child’s behavior? You’re not alone!
Discipline is one of the most common sources of conflict between co-parents. We all bring our past experiences and backgrounds into our roles as parents, and as we try to blend those beliefs to raise our children together, we’re bound to encounter some disagreements. This often leads to some hard, stressful conversations. But pushing through that discomfort to find common ground can make all the difference for you, your parenting partner, and your child.
In this week’s post, we at Koh-Parenting share our best tried-and-true tips to streamline your discipline and bring peace to your co-parenting.
The Gist
- The way we discipline evolves based on our past experiences with our own caregivers, who we are as people, and the circumstances we’re facing in our lives.
- Agreeing on a discipline strategy can be one of the hardest things for co-parents to do, especially if they’re dealing with lingering feelings from their separation.
- Inconsistent discipline can be confusing and impede children’s learning and development.
- Co-parents can be most effective in their discipline when they present a consistent, united front. To find common ground, they should each explore their beliefs and values, prioritize and compromise where they can, and then clearly communicate their rules to their child.
How Did We Get Here: Potential Factors That Shape Our Parenting Behavior
Kids don’t come with an instruction manual, so why do we discipline the way we do? Many potential factors play into our parenting behavior, and these may include:
- Our inherent characteristics: Inborn traits such as personality, learning style, etc.
- Our past experiences of caregiving: We often parent our children in response to how we were parented. Our experiences with our primary caregivers mold an internal model of parenting that we mimic in adulthood- sometimes without even realizing it!
- Environmental and/or circumstantial factors: Community, culture, and societal norms all impact our parenting decisions. Major life experiences such as traumatic events, illness, financial struggle, loss, etc. influence how we care for our children as well.
- On-the-job training: Much of what we learn in parenting happens on the fly, in response to whatever is going on with our child (and ourselves!) in the moment. Parents may also seek strategies for whatever challenges they’re dealing with at the time and adopt those that resonate the most with them.
Additional Factors for Co-Parents:
In addition to the factors above, co-parents can be influenced by the separation or divorce itself. Muddling through the end of your romantic relationship and the start of a new one as parenting partners alters your family dynamic and, subsequently, your parenting style. Let’s explore these changes further.
- Separation/divorce can be traumatic and stressful. As we’ve stated before, trauma and stress impact many aspects of life, including our parenting.
- High rates of conflict between parenting partners can create roadblocks to co-parenting harmony. Co-parents who struggle to communicate or work together may find it difficult to agree on parenting matters such as discipline. In some cases, they may also project their frustrations by contradicting or undermining each other’s parenting practices.
- Logistical challenges: It’s not easy to stay on the same page with your parenting when you live apart and when your time with your child is separate.
The Downside of Inconsistent Discipline:
Contradictory discipline strategies can confuse children and make it harder for them to learn and follow rules. Over time, this can impede their development and sense of self. Furthermore, frequent conflict between you and your parenting partner, related to parenting style or any other issue, can be damaging to everyone’s mental and physical health.
Studies show that arguing between close family members can impact life expectancy (Source) and can increase the likelihood of behavioral, physical, and mental challenges in children (Source). Your child will do best knowing that both parents are on the same page, working together; this is the hallmark of co-parenting.
General Tips: Discipline Best Practice
Each family is different, with unique values and needs, and there’s no magical parenting strategy that works for everyone. However, some general concepts have withstood the test of time (and rigorous research!) to prove their effectiveness. Here’s our list of core principles regarding discipline that we recommend (and those that we wouldn’t). Use these to guide you- but keep in mind that you are the expert on your child, and only you can decide the best fit for your family.
Most Effective:
- Prioritize connecting with your child and building a relationship based on respect and responsiveness
- Be consistent with rules and routines (with some flexibility to adapt to meet your child’s needs)
- Focus on the positive: Spend time teaching your child what you expect from them regarding behavior, and acknowledge successes
- Understand that misbehaving is a normal part of a child’s development. A “bad” choice doesn’t make a “bad child”. Correct the misbehavior firmly but respectfully, and implement consequences that are immediate and connected to the behavior.
Least Effective:
- Fear-based tactics that focus on using threats or punishment to “get a child to behave”
- Inconsistency: lacking regular routines or rules, not following through on your word
- Ignoring or failing to respond to your child: downplaying your child’s feelings, preventing them from having any say.
Eliminate:
- Teasing, belittling, name-calling, or any other means of ridiculing your child
- Withholding love and affection
- Using physical force
4 Steps to Get Your Co-Parenting Discipline in Sync:
- Get to know yourself: your parenting style, values, beliefs, where they come from, and what you want to change. Refer to our previous post, What Type of Co-Parent Are you? Your interactions with your child are two-way, in that you both influence each other. Since your child can’t change on his/her own, the most effective way to impact their behavior is to CHANGE YOURS!
- Get to know your co-parent: Get curious, rather than accusatory, about your co-parent’s beliefs and preferences; you can do this by asking questions, rather than making assumptions or statements about your perception of his/her beliefs.
- Compare, contrast, and compromise: By this point, you have hopefully both expressed your viewpoints to each other. Now comes the hard part: molding them into a consistent parenting approach. Start with what you have in common (for ex., your love for your child, your desire for your child to be respectful and happy, etc.) What do you both agree on? Then, tackle the points of disagreement. What are the major differences? How can you build off of each other’s strengths? Use this information to outline your plan for addressing your child’s behavior.
- Enlist help from neutral parties/professionals. Research and share what you’ve learned about discipline. Find a qualified professional to coach you through your issues. Arrange joint appointments with pediatricians, teachers, counselors, etc. to discuss their suggestions for the most effective way to discipline your child. You can also exchange information from neutral, third-party sources (books, articles, videos, this newsletter!!!, etc.) on what you’ve both learned about best practices.
Wondering where to begin with your parenting plan? Our training course can help! We cover the basics of parenting plans and can help you devise an effective one.
When A Discipline Truce Eludes You:
Our steps above can lead even the most oppositional parenting partners to a complimentary, collaborative discipline plan. However, this takes time and cooperation from both parties. If you and your co-parent aren’t there yet, don’t fret! Acknowledge your present reality, and work with it; even if you can’t reach a consensus, you can still control your behavior when your child is in your care.
Regardless of your differences of opinion, you and your parenting partner will want to prioritize your child’s well-being. Ensure that you’re both disciplining in a way that does not harm your child emotionally or physically; you can agree to disagree on everything else for the time being except for your child’s safety. If you believe that you or your child is in danger, act promptly. Exposure to any amount of violence- verbal, emotional, or physical- is traumatic and needs immediate intervention. Please seek professional help.
Beyond that, see if you can at least communicate respectfully about your chosen discipline plan, including your expectations and what you’ll do to enforce those expectations. This information can help you to prepare your child and can ease the transition between households. Knowing what happens at the other parent’s house also gives you insight into your child; it allows you to understand your child better and empathize with your child’s experience.
Try not to contradict or badmouth each other’s discipline policies. Instead, focus on explaining and reinforcing your expectations. If your child complains or questions, you can simply say, “This is the way we do things at our house when you’re with me. Your [mom/dad] may have different rules, and that’s ok; when you’re at that house, you can follow those rules, and when you’re here, we’ll follow the rules we’ve talked about.”
REMEMBER YOUR “WHY.”
When things get tough or you feel overwhelmed by the effort it takes to muddle through this with your ex, don’t lose hope. Instead, remember your “why.” Think of your love for your child; that love is at the heart of everything you do as a co-parent, and in this case, it’s in your child’s best interest for you both to come to a common ground. With these tips, you’ll find it not only possible but also rewarding to reach parenting harmony.
