When was the last time you had a conversation with a loved one about mental health? In today’s world of social media, people share about themselves and their lives constantly, with the click of a button. And yet a stigma exists about mental health that can make many people uncomfortable addressing the topic.
This week, in part IV of our series for Mental Health Awareness Month, we’ll explore ways to decrease the stigma around mental illness and empower people to take care of this crucial aspect of their health. Our tips will give you the words to start an open, honest dialogue.
The Gist
The stigma surrounding mental health still persists in today’s society, as does the stigma surrounding divorce and separation from a parenting partner. Both stigmas can be harmful and counterproductive.
Having honest, open conversations about mental health helps to decrease stigma. If you, your co-parent, or a loved one are battling mental illness, consider talking about it with a trusted confidante. You can educate about mental health, discuss concerns, and brainstorm possible solutions in these conversations.
Before you conduct the conversation, consider factors such as timing, location, and audience. Use “I-phrases” and a neutral tone, describe what you see happening, and make your intent clear.
When talking to children, use age-appropriate, factual information. Reassure them that they’re loved and safe and that you are taking care of yourself.
UNPACKING THE STIGMA
The intent of mental health awareness month is to educate, empower, and decrease stigma around mental health issues. But why does this stigma exist in the first place? And how can it complicate the lives of co-parents in particular? Let’s break down some of the possible factors in our societal biases against mental illness and those who suffer from it.
- Societal expectations:
Whether we realize it consciously or not, society sends us messages that impact how we perceive and handle emotions and their expression. At times, our society has valued stoicism; some widely known examples include “Tough it out,” and “Don’t let them see you cry.” This can convey disapproval of openly discussing struggle or pain and utilizes shame as a motivational tool.
Furthermore, the popular concept of “you can be whatever you want to be” projects the belief that success is truly related to an individual’s level of motivation and persistence. While the idea that each person is in charge of his/her destiny does have positive effects, and may even be partly true in some instances, it can also be harmful. This indirectly teaches that, if you “want it badly enough,” you should be able to push through any struggles with your mood or mindset. Similarly, it can also promote the idea that a person’s battle with mental illness (substance use, eating disorders, self-harm, etc.) reflects their lack of desire to “get better.” - Fictionalized/stereotyped presentation:
The portrayal of mental illness in popular culture (movies, books, tv shows, songs, etc.) presents an at times exaggerated, fictionalized version of people’s experiences. This can spread misinformation or misunderstanding amongst the general public. - Gender roles:
Societal expectations of men and women can cross over into mental health. Adages such as “boys don’t cry” or “girls are too dramatic” can shape children’s experience of their own emotions and impact their behavior regarding their mental health as adults. - “Invisible” symptoms:
There is much about our inner world that is harder to pinpoint and study, and that we know less about. Physical symptoms are easier for us to see and therefore make sense of; for example, we can tell if someone clutches their chest and turns red that they’re in pain, or if they’re limping that they’re injured somehow. Mental symptoms, however, can be more vague and aren’t always visible on the outside. This lack of information can get in the way of our awareness of and empathy for mental illness. - Generational:
Over time, our understanding of mental health—of its importance in our overall well-being, and how to best nurture it—has grown. Years ago, the predominant approach toward child-rearing placed greater value on being “seen and not heard” as children. This type of parenting prioritizes blind obedience over independent thought and expression. With time and further research, we have learned more about the importance of respecting people’s thoughts and emotions from childhood onward. Little by little the conversation about mental illness increased and the youth of today generally talk more openly and frequently about mental health.
Double Jeopardy for Co-Parents?
As we’ve stated above, mental illness affects many people across the globe and yet a bias surrounding it still persists. Divorce (or separation) is similar; it is very common in today’s world but still carries a stigma along with it. According to a recent study, almost half of divorced people believe their lives to be impacted by stigma, and women are twice as likely to feel shame than men.
Many co-parents feel a sense of guilt and failure surrounding the demise of their romantic relationship. They may also feel out of place amongst their married/coupled peers who parent from the same household. Meanwhile, co-parents who are also coping with mental illness deal with negativity on both ends. They may struggle with shame and poor self-image, and/or may also face prejudice from others for being separated and for having mental health issues.
Bringing Mental Health into The Light
We’ve established that mental health stigma is deeply ingrained in our collective subconscious. But what can we do about it? Our series on mental health has served to raise awareness of the significance of this issue and its prevalence amongst today’s co-parents and their children. We’ve also shared strategies for both promoting mental wellness and dealing with challenges when they occur. But to impact long-term, larger-scale change, we also need to continue to bring it out of the shadows, decrease the discomfort surrounding the topic, and keep the lines of communication open. This is a huge task, but it can start with each of us, at any time! Read on for some suggestions of ways to start the conversation.
General tips:
- Think about what you want to get out of the discussion beforehand. Plan out what you’re going to say.
- Think about your audience. Whom do you want to talk to? You may feel more at ease opening up to a professional, or one of your most trusted friends or family members first, in an intimate setting. You can work up to addressing a larger group after you’ve gotten more comfortable speaking about the topic of mental health. You’ll also want to consider the knowledge level, personality, and age/developmental stage as well. For example, your method of broaching the subject would be different with a young child than with an adult, and different with your close friend who happens to be a social worker versus your senior relative who is unfamiliar with the meaning of the term “mental health.”
- Be explicit in stating what you’re looking for- how the person can support you, or how you can support him/her.
- Remember that you get to choose what you share, and can stop or pause if you’re feeling overwhelmed.
- Consult with trained professionals. Their feedback and guidance on how to approach others (whether your child, co-parent, loved ones, etc.) could be invaluable. They could also offer you support to cope with whatever feelings arise for you before, during, and after the conversation.
- Give it some time. Mental health can be a loaded topic and isn’t always easy to hear or talk about. Some people may need more time to think and process the information, depending on their personality and the information being shared. Don’t write off the experience if you don’t get the response you were looking for right away You can come back to it again in the future, or allow whomever you’re speaking to the chance to reach back out to you when he/she is ready.
- Don’t take responses personally. People’s reactions to what you’re sharing say less about you than it does about them. Could you have gone about the conversation differently? Maybe, and this is useful information for you to reflect on in the future. However, it still doesn’t mean that there’s anything wrong with you or the subject matter. Do your best to stay true to and confident in your message, and limit your contact with people who don’t support you.
Additional tips if you’re a co-parent with mental illness:
- Be proactive about your mental health. Take care of yourself. Check out Parts I, II, and III of our Mental Health Awareness Month series on our blog.
- Make sure you’re in a good place. Know yourself, your triggers, and your symptoms. Start the conversation when you’re feeling emotionally equipped to handle it.
- If you’re talking to your child, consider his/her age, personality, and developmental level. You may wish to consult with your pediatrician or a professional who works with kids to brainstorm the best way to have this conversation. Keep your info brief and age-appropriate, and allow your child the opportunity to ask questions and express his/her feelings. It can help to utilize real-life examples that your child could understand, or read books or watch videos on the topic.
- If you’re talking to your co-parent, be sure to pick a neutral time to initiate a conversation. You could even tell your parenting partner that you’d like to check in about how you’re doing and ask for the best time/place so that you can both schedule it into your calendars. Arrange for someone to watch your child, or if this isn’t possible ensure that he/she is occupied in another room or that the content of the conversation is appropriate for him/her to hear. If you have a parenting agreement and are worried that what you’re going to share will have implications or trigger your parenting partner to question the agreement, then reach out to your legal team.
Additional tips if your parenting partner has a mental illness:
- Stay attuned to your child. You don’t need to speak ill of the other parent but you can check in about how your child is feeling, and strategize with him/her how to handle those feelings or approach a problem with the other parent.
- Brainstorm ways that you could be supportive during this difficult time for your parenting partner; you can do so beforehand and have resources at the ready when the time comes to address the issue, and you could also do so together, during and after the conversation. Be open to the idea of redistributing your parenting responsibilities, custody schedule, etc. for the greater good of your family.
- Be realistic about your expectations. Maintain boundaries but adjust where you can to fit the current circumstances. You’ll want to stay firm on any guidelines you’ve established in regard to safety and other critical matters surrounding your child; mental illness is NEVER an excuse for abuse or neglect.
However, consider giving your partner some grace in other areas that aren’t essential. For example, it’s mandatory that your partner feeds your child adequate, nutritive meals during his/her custody time and you’ll want to enforce this no matter what. However, if your parenting partner is struggling and serves your child fast food takeout because it’s easier and quicker, you may want to ease up (even temporarily) on any negative feedback about keeping a healthy diet. - Approach from a place of curiosity rather than judgment. Your words will hit differently if they come across as genuine interest and concern rather than accusation. Keep your tone neutral, and utilize “I Statements” whenever possible.
- Allow your parenting partner the opportunity to express his/her point of view without interruption; in an ideal scenario, the conversation would be a two-way discourse rather than a one-person lecture.
- Try to separate whatever issues you have or have had in the past with your parenting partner from what your co-parent is dealing with. You can don’t have to see eye-to-eye about everything to offer your support.
- As stated above, try to find the most conducive time and environment for the conversation. Give your parenting partner a heads-up that you’d like to check in, and if possible ask directly if he/she is feeling up to it and what his/her preference is for when and where. The ability to make choices could imbue your co-parent with a sense of power and control during an otherwise vulnerable time that may impact the fate of your conversation for the better. Avoid moments when you, your parenting partner, or your child are overwhelmed with emotions, distracted, or otherwise dysregulated.
- Intentionally model healthy behavior and discuss mental health when your child is with you.
If a friend or loved one has a mental illness:
- Apply all of the above recommendations!
- Put aside your own discomfort for the sake of being a real friend. This doesn’t mean sacrificing yourself or swooping in to take over; it just means that you may need to have some uncomfortable conversations, or you may have to hear things that aren’t easy to hear (like a friend saying how sad she is, for example). Have faith that you and your friendship/relationship can not only push through this discomfort but also become closer in the end.
- Just be there, with an ear. Don’t feel the need to fix or change or provide solutions. Sit with them in their discomfort.
- Share your own experiences. The intent of addressing your concerns about your loved one’s mental illness isn’t for you to vent about your own. However, when the window arises, it can be powerful to talk about your own struggles; this normalizes them, and could also be inspiring.
- Help get connected to support. Be there with a hand to hold as someone accesses this support. Accompany to an appointment and wait in the waiting room.
Other ways to support the cause:
You don’t have to be directly impacted by mental illness to care about the cause. There are so many other ways that you can and SHOULD support mental health awareness. In addition to having honest conversations with people you care about, you can also:
- Share on social media: #mentalhealthawareness, #mentalhealth, #mentalhealthmatters, #MentalHealthMonth
- Get trained to help others in your community. Many places across the country offer free or low-cost workshops in suicide prevention/intervention, mental health first aid, and other related topics.
- Volunteer or donate to an organization that provides mental health services.
Mental Health Awareness Isn’t Just a Month
We hope our series on mental health has helped educate and inspire you in your journey, as a parenting partner, caregiver, spouse, friend, or whatever other role you play in your world. As May comes to a close, we want to leave you with this message: mental health awareness isn’t just a month or an event, but rather an aspect of our humanity that we must tend to 365 days a year. At Koh-Parenting Services, we nurture co-parent mental health 24/7 by providing parenting programs and techniques for effective and healthy co-parenting.
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