Last minute scheduling changes. No-shows. Heated conflict. Children crying and clinging. Does any of this sound familiar? Last week, we talked about our 4-step process for peaceful custody exchanges (Missed it? Check it out here: Custody Exchanges Done Right, Part I: 4 Steps To Execute a Peaceful Transition for your Child
, but the scenarios we just mentioned are anything but. Unfortunately, we know that they are common occurrences for many co-parenting families. The good news is that there are ways to smooth things over when things go awry. Join us as we troubleshoot some of your most challenging custody exchange dilemmas in part 2 of our series.

Gist

The Makings of a Custody Exchange Debacle:

We know that custody exchanges have the potential to be tough, even in the best of circumstances. Transitioning our children between households forces us out of our comfort zone and can trigger mixed feelings. But what can make a custody exchange go from “difficult” to “disastrous?” There’s not always a concrete answer to that question, and sometimes the
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unexpected can spring up out of nowhere. However, there are some factors that tend to contribute to a more chaotic experience, which may include:

• High-conflict relationships: If conflict generally occurs frequently between you and your ex, then it’s highly probable that it will also occur during custody exchanges. This can create an uncomfortable aura that permeates the interchange.
• Busy or hectic schedules and/or travel logistics: Anything that causes stress or fatigue for any of you or feels “rushed” may negatively influence the actual moment of transition.
• Past history of unpredictable or erratic behavior: Unreliable co-parents who have not followed through on their word do not instill the confidence required for a smooth custody exchange.
• Mental or physical health issues: Mental health challenges, such as depression or anxiety, can impact day-to-day behavior, including at custody exchange time. The same can be said for physical illness as well.
• “Newness” of the separation: Adjusting to life as a co-parenting family takes time. If you’re newly separated, or new to sharing custody, or if your custody schedule has recently changed, then you, your parenting partner, or your child may find it more difficult.
• Lack of organization: If you and/or your co-parent do not communicate or plan well or are otherwise disorganized, then you may have a hard time conducting an efficient custody exchange. This may leave your child feeling confused or anxious.
• Developmental age of child: Kids can struggle with custody exchanges at any age. However, younger kids who may be at the peak age for separation anxiety or whose ability to understand what’s happening is limited may be more prone to behavioral issues at custody exchange time.

Unfortunately, any of the above factors can potentially wreak havoc on even the best-laid plans. But fear not, for Koh-Parenting has you covered! While we can’t always prevent the unwanted from happening, we do have a plan for when they do! Read on for our ideas for your most challenging custody exchange scenarios.

When kids refuse:

What if your child says “No, no, I don’t want to go!,” or “I’m not coming to see
you?” It’s not uncommon for kids to protest custody exchanges from time to time. There could be something specific about time with the other parent that leads to these feelings (such as step-siblings to argue with, different rules, or fewer things to do, among other things) but there could also be something else behind it. Other reasons could include that transitions themselves are hard, kids may still be adjusting to the separation and change in lifestyle, travel can be anxiety-provoking for some, or etc.

Maybe you’re the co-parent responsible for bringing your child to visit the other and find yourself wrestling a tearful child who refuses to part from your side. Or perhaps you’re the co-parent who has been eagerly awaiting this visit only to have your excitement crushed by your child’s reluctance to see you. From either vantage point, it’s a bumpy ride. In these moments, it’s important to both (1) acknowledge how your child is feeling and (2) find a way to stick to the schedule. Your child needs to know that you support and value her opinion but also that you support and value custody time with each parent. Being wishy-washy or inconsistent about visits won’t solve the issue in the long run. Here are some additional suggestions for dealing with custody exchange refusal.

Note: If you and your co-parent have legal obligations set up through the court, it is important to follow those plans to avoid any legal issues.

• Breathe, and calm yourself. As we’ve stated, co-parenting situations often evoke strong emotions for everyone. It’s both healthy and necessary to address these emotions, and yet at the same time you can’t be at your best if you’re dysregulated. Exercise mindfulness or relaxation techniques, visualize pressing “pause” on your emotions to process later with another adult, and take a moment to collect yourself. Then, you’ll be able to approach your child peacefully, with an empathetic mindset that will be more effective in solving the problem.
• Avoid jumping to conclusions. Yes, your child’s upset sends you the important message that something is bothering him, and should give you pause. But it doesn’t necessarily mean that your custody schedule is to blame.
• Get curious. Validate your child’s feelings, and then ask questions to get more information. For example, you could say, “I get it, going back and forth between homes is really hard! Which is the hardest part for you?” or “You’ve had a lot of changes lately, and you’re feeling overwhelmed- it’s understandable to feel that way! Tell me more about it.”
• Put aside your differences and collaborate with your co-parent. Discuss (in a respectful manner) what’s going on and brainstorm how you can work together to help your child.
• Problem-solve. Engage your child in a conversation about what she thinks would make the transition or custody time with either of you better. Perhaps she has ideas that you can implement! And even if you can’t go along with her requests, your interest in asking shows that you value her opinion, which in turn can improve the tone between you.
• Teach and practice coping strategies. Talk with your child about what to do when he’s upset during custody time or exchanges. You could help him identify ways to ask for help, people to go to for support, or exercises to do on his own.
• Seek professional support if the difficulties continue. If you need referral information, consider contacting your child’s pediatrician or school personnel.

Remember that if you and your parenting partner have a legal parenting agreement which outlines your custody schedule, then it is your legal duty to ensure that your child follows through on visitation with the other parent. The specific requirements of this may vary according to each state’s laws, so consult with your legal team for best steps.

Tips for when Custody Schedules Change:

Last minute changes, inconsistencies, or lack of follow through on custody schedules can be disruptive and frustrating, especially to children. You and your co-parent co-own the responsibility to address this whenever it occurs. Try the following tips:

• Communicate and confirm. In general, do your best to communicate clearly and frequently about any changes to the custody schedule and confirm details (such as time, pick-up/drop-off location and directions to that location, etc.). Make sure that you both have up-to-date information on each other’s preferred mode of contact, and when possible send a quick response to verify that you’ve received each other’s emails/texts/voicemails/etc.
• Keep a copy of your custody schedule and make it easily accessible. You can create a shared document or calendar with your ex or even use an app. As your child gets older, you can give him access to this as well. Actual physical calendars, whether on a whiteboard or printed, can also be useful, especially for younger children and visual learners.
• Update everyone when there are changes. Your schedule is only valuable when it is current and accurate. You’ll also want to tell your child clearly, in words she can understand, what’s happening.
• If these custody rescheduling issues are rare, try to be flexible and patient. You’re human, and so is your ex, and so is your child. Mistakes happen, plans need changing, and life can get in the way. You may be inconvenienced, or your child may be more emotional or struggle more than usual at that moment, but these problems are temporary. Putting this into perspective and keeping a positive attitude will allow you to move on more quickly.
• If you’re the parent who has had to reschedule, cancel, or somehow failed to follow through on a visit, own up to your behavior. Consider apologizing to your parenting partner and child. Validate your child’s feelings, offer verbal reassurance of your love, and detail your plan to prevent this from happening again. Then, follow through on whatever you need to do so that you honor the custody agreement in the future.
• If your co-parent is the one who has made the change to altered the schedule, avoid badmouthing him/her. Instead, focus your energy on your child and how to best support him through this change.

Habitual Custody Exchange Disruptors:

Unfortunately, we know that for some of you, dealing with custody exchange inconsistencies isn’t an exception; it’s the norm. Perhaps ongoing circumstances in your parenting partner’s life- mental or physical health, work, or financial issues for example- regularly get in the way. Or perhaps these inconsistencies are part of a bigger pattern of narcissistic or neglectful behavior. Regardless, in this case you will want to take a more organized approach.

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  If you haven’t already, dig a little deeper to see if you can identify what’s blocking your co-parent from honoring your custody agreement. You can reflect on this yourself, or simply ask your ex, in a non-judgmental way, what would make it easier. If you can make small changes or adjustments that will help, then for your child’s sake it could be well worth the compromise. For example, if travel is a hassle or if you are co-parenting from a distance, you could offer to meet halfway between your households.
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  Consult with your legal team. They can advise you on your rights and responsibilities and also on how to obtain a legal agreement or amend an existing one. You may find that formalizing your arrangement will help protect you and your child’s best interests. If you don’t currently have a legal team and would like one, ask people you trust for referrals, contact your state bar association, or research online (Here’s an article outlining how to do just that: How to Find a Good Child Custody Attorney).
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  Seek support for yourself and your child. Dealing with this scenario repeatedly can be exhausting, emotionally, physically, and perhaps even financially. Call upon your friends, family, and other trusted people in your informal network, and consider enlisting professional help such as a therapist for you and your child to process the experience.
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  Be emotionally available to support your child through the ups and downs of the relationship with the other parent. It can be heartbreaking to watch your child endure the disappointment of a last-minute cancellation or a visit no-show, but you must put aside your discomfort in order to be present. Instead of trying to deny what’s happening, or appease your child with conciliatory gifts or other distractions, sit with him, validate his feelings, and give him space to express them openly and honestly. Reassure him that you love him and that it’s not his fault and that you will always be there for him. Again, rather than bad-mouthing your ex, focus instead on discussing what would help your child and what you and he can do together that would make him feel safe and loved.
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  Discuss potential outcomes with your child and brainstorm coping strategies ahead of visits. You can’t control your parenting partner’s behavior, but you can prepare yourself and your child for the possibilities. For example, if your parenting partner tends to no-show for visits, talk this through with your child; you could say something like, “Ok, so this morning we are leaving for you to go see [other parent]. If [other parent] can’t make it, remember that it’s not your fault! We will simply go home and watch your favorite movie, like we had planned.” Enlist your child’s help in crafting a “plan b” and practice ways she can deal with her emotions (asking for a hug, journaling, writing a letter to the other parent, etc.).

De-escalating Conflict at Custody Exchange Time:

As we mentioned in part 1, Custody Exchanges Done Right, Part I: 4 Steps To Execute a Peaceful Transition for your Child, custody exchange time is not the appropriate moment for lengthy discussions of any kind. You don’t want to mar the experience for your child by hashing out disagreements in his presence- especially at such a vulnerable moment. Ideally, you and your co-parent should agree to work things out over the phone, video chat, email, or in person at another time when your child isn’t around. During your custody exchange interaction, keep things light and positive, and move along.

If your co-parent does not abide by this policy, or if for whatever reason you stray the course and find yourselves arguing, you still have the power to steer the conversation back on track. Consider the following suggestions to de-escalate conflict and bring back calm at custody exchange time.

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  Take a moment. Step away from the scene if you can, to have time and space to hit the reset button. Breathe, ground yourself, repeat a positive message in your mind- like “I am safe,” “I am calm.”

Try a “do-over.” You could even say out loud to your parenting partner and your child, “Hmm well that didn’t go so well for us, did it?! Let’s start this over again. Hi, how are you?” This also adds some humor that could diffuse the situation.


Use “I” messages. Calling out someone else’s behavior can come across as blaming or finger-pointing and incite defensiveness from the other person. Try to avoid statements using the word “You” ( for example, “you are always nitpicking me!,” or “you always talk down to everyone,” ) and instead talk about yourself (for example, “I’m feeling myself getting a little overwhelmed here and I need a minute to get my thoughts together”).


If all else fails and your ex tries to keep the argument going, then it might be time for you to draw the line. Help your child get situated somewhere safe away from the scene and then announce that you are leaving the conversation for now. Then, walk away. If you need to, you can always reach back out later when things have calmed down.



For more information on this, check out our learning guide

The Power of “I”

Conflicts happen, even in the healthiest of relationships. But we’ve said it before, and we’ll say it again: no amount of abuse- whether physical or emotional- is ok. Co-parenting is stressful and can bring up lots of big feelings, but fear should never be one of them. If you are concerned for your safety, or the safety of your co-parent or child, please seek professional help. (Resources)