There are few things more heart-breaking than being rejected by your own child. This can happen to all parents from time to time, but can be especially impactful for co-parenting families. After separation or divorce, kids sometimes struggle to navigate their relationships with each parenting partner and may feel as if they need to take sides or prove their allegiance. These loyalty conflicts, as they’re called, can wreak havoc on the entire family unit. This week, KohParenting is diving into the topic to share our best practices for managing this common problem. Whether your child identifies you as the “hero” or “villain” of this story, read on: we’ve got suggestions for every co-parent that will help you restore balance to your family dynamic.

The Gist

Loyalty Conflicts Defined

According to Psychiatric News, “A conflict of loyalty exists when a person has a duty of loyalty to more than one entity and the interests of those entities diverge” (source). In other words, the term describes the conundrum of feeling a sense of duty or responsibility toward two distinct people, businesses, concepts, tasks, etc. and being unable to fulfill those obligations simultaneously. It describes the ethical struggle of being torn between two sides, feeling as if you can’t adequately ally yourself to both and must make a choice of one over the other.
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This could exist in all types of situations, both personal and professional, but for the purposes of this blog post we are talking about loyalty conflicts as they relate to co-parenting. For co-parents and their children, loyalty conflicts may present themselves in the following ways:

• A child feels torn between both parents in the separation, and picks one over the other
• A child feels uncomfortable or disloyal forming a positive relationship with a parent’s new partner/spouse
• A child tends to do what one parents asks over the other.
• A child being overly disrespectful to one parent over the other

Examples of factors that can influence loyalty conflicts include:

• High levels of conflict between parenting partners
• Abuse or neglect (physical or emotional) by one or both parents: Kids may align themselves with the parent they view as “stronger” or more of a threat to them so that they can borrow from that parent’s power and stay safe; OR, they may align themselves with the victimized parent as a means to “protect” him/her
• Parents using children as a confidante, venting or sharing negative opinions about each other
• Parents using their children as a go-between, putting them in the role of messenger between them
• Parental pressure: parents badmouthing each other and pressuring their children into bandwagoning their beliefs
• Bribery/competition: parents may behave in a manner such that they attempt to “win over” their children and curry favor with them (for example, with gifts, lax or permissive parenting that allows them to do whatever they want, etc.)

Loyalty conflicts arise in response to the major life changes brought upon children by parental separation or divorce. Throughout the transition to co-parenting, kids often find themselves in the middle, and this can be a very uncomfortable place to be. Their sense of guilt and confusion may compel them to classify one parent as “good” and the other as “bad,” because this is easier to understand and tolerate than the unease of ambiguity. In some scenarios, they may also feel external pressure- perhaps from their parents themselves, or from the legal system (through custody battles, for example) to pick a side.

Children’s behavior offers clues into their conflicted sense of loyalty. You can tell that your child may be grappling with this issue if:

• They express preference for one parent over another
• They show reluctance (or outright refuse) time with one parent
• They speak ill or seem to show dislike for one parent without reasonable cause
• They struggle with separation anxiety- usually more pronounced with the “preferred”parent
• Their behavior changes (this could be with either parent, or both)
• They may act out in school
• They may discuss thoughts/concerns/issues about either co-parent (but especially the “non-preferred” one) with others
• They display physical, mental, or emotional symptoms (headaches, stomach aches, frequent meltdowns, clingyness, depression, etc.)
• They struggle with visitation and/or custody exchanges

The Consequences of Loyalty Conflicts:

Loyalty conflicts are common amongst children of co-parenting families, but in this case, “common” doesn’t mean “healthy.” In fact, this phenomenon can wreak psychological havoc on the entire family and impact physical and mental wellbeing. Consequences of loyalty conflicts can include:

• Stress and mental health issues for children and parents
• Disrupted custody schedules
• Challenging behavior from children
• Increased conflicts between co-parents
• Strained relationships between children and co-parents
• Difficulty forming relationships with others (for ex., children may struggle to form lasting friendships or connect with partners in the future, or co-parents may struggle to bond with their other children or to form new relationships with new romantic partners)
  For more information, check out this Source.

For these reasons, it’s critically important for co-parents to be aware of this issue and address problems head-on. In general, you can guard yourself and your child against loyalty conflicts by:

• Maintaining a peaceful relationship with your parenting partner, in which you communicate respectfully and discuss any disagreements when your child is not around
• Refraining from bad-mouthing or critiquing each other, or sharing details about your separation with your child
• Communicating directly with each other, rather than making your child the go-between
  Keeping consistent rules and routines in each household
• Spending quality one-on-one time with your child and putting effort into nurturing a strong bond between you and your child AND your parenting partner and your child
• Being mindful of when, and how, you introduce your child to new romantic partners and their families (Stay tuned for more information on blending families in future posts!)
• Creating a safe environment for your child to express their feelings, thoughts, concerns, etc. with you both
• Accessing appropriate support for you and your child as you process the separation/divorce and ongoing challenges of co-parenting

In addition to these preventative measures, here are our suggestions for coping with loyalty conflicts when they occur.

Suggestions for the “preferred” parent:

In some ways, being the “preferred” parent might seem like the “preferred” position to be in… but it has its downsides, too. This declaration of love from your child might seem nice at first, but can become stressful over time. Witnessing your child’s upset and distress with the other parent will inevitably cause you pain and could create issues between you and your ex. Being the preferred parent can also be a lot of pressure and exhaust your physical, emotional, mental, and financial resources. Here are our tips for you:

• Continue to provide your child with a balance of love and limits. Stay true to your boundaries and rules and follow through on what you say. The best gift you can give your child is your quality time and affection and the safety in knowing that they can trust you.
• Reflect on your own behavior. Is there anything you’ve done/are doing that could be creating rifts in your child’s relationship with your ex? Have you spoken ill of him/her, or somehow put your child in the middle? Or have you perhaps leaned in to winning your child’s favor through gifts, permissiveness, or being the “fun” parent? If so, the answer is not to blame yourself but rather to correct yourself before the problems escalate.
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  Show your child through your words and actions that you support your parenting partner. Compliment him/her, be friendly during custody exchanges or any interactions in front of your child, and point out things that your parenting partner does well and things that your child and parenting partner have in common or can bond over.
• Help your child to see the other perspective. You can and SHOULD allow your child to share (in a respectful manner) concerns about things that are happening at the other household, BUT you can validate her feelings without necessarily confirming her opinion. For example, if your child says, “I hate going to Dad’s. He’s so mean. He makes me clean my room,” you could say, “Hm, I can hear from your voice how frustrated you are. Sounds challenging. Tell me more about it,” and then, “I wonder what your Dad would say about it? About why he does that?” You can also reinforce your co-parent’s choices when appropriate- by saying something like, “We both want you to learn to be responsible for your things. Cleaning your room is a rule in BOTH of our houses.”
• Along those same lines, withhold judgment against your parenting partner until you’ve gathered more information. Kids have strong feelings, and that’s ok- they don’t need to be “right” or “wrong.” However, their interpretation and recounting of events may be different than your parenting partner’s recollection. When possible, talk to your co-parent to gather more information.
• Continue to abide by the visitation/custody schedule regardless of your child’s opinion. Exert energy into solving the root cause of the issue and helping your child process feelings, not into altering his time with the other parent. (Note: Of course, as always, any safety concerns would be an exception to this rule. But even in this case, you should consult with professionals and your legal team; you cannot go against any legal custody agreements without repercussions).
• If your parenting partner lives farther away and doesn’t see your child as often, do your best to facilitate frequent contact even if in a remote form.

Suggestions for the “other”/ “non-preferred” parent: