Are you feeling lost on your co-parenting journey? Struggling to find yourself in your new role? KohParenting is here to help! Let’s explore a few simple steps that will guide you in finding your true identity as a co-parent.

In this article, we will uncover your current parenting style, and how this may help or hinder your relationship with your parenting partner. This information can serve as your road map to successfully navigate the changing dynamics of your family.

The Gist

To figure out what type of co-parent you want to be, take a look at what type of parent you are now. Reflecting on your parenting style can be a great place to start on this journey of self-discovery. As you examine your behavior with an objective lens, you may notice patterns in your habits, and pinpoint strengths and opportunities for improvement.

The commonly recognized parenting “types” include permissive/indulgent, authoritarian/inflexible, authoritative/flexible, and uninvolved/neglectful. They are distinguished from each other based on various factors, including the parent’s level of flexibility, responsiveness, affection, handling of conflict, and communication style, and each impacts the child’s behavioral responses in different ways. Your style in parenting situations will typically repeat itself in your interactions with other adults.

There’s no “one way” to be a parent or co-parent, but identifying where you fall on the spectrum can help you predict the outcomes that will result from your approach. This knowledge can empower you to make the changes necessary to meet the goals you have for your relationship with your child and parenting partner. Is your parenting “type” satisfying your needs? Koh-Parenting can help!

Why Does Self-Reflection Matter in Co-Parenting?

All parents carry with them an invisible backpack of memories from their own childhood that shapes their relationship dynamics. These memories may include experiences with their parents (or primary caregivers), such as their style of discipline, communication, attention-giving, etc. Oftentimes these memories reside somewhere deep within us, outside of our consciousness, and can dictate our thoughts and actions without us even realizing it! If you’ve ever started to respond to someone and heard your mother or your father’s voice come out of your mouth, you’ve witnessed this phenomenon in action! Therefore, if we wish to make any life changes- including those related to co-parenting- we must first look in the mirror. Let’s begin by taking inventory of our own parenting style.

Determining Your Parenting Style:

Try to take a step back and ask yourself some questions about your internal beliefs and your habits. What motivates you as a parent? How do you discipline your child(ren)? How do you communicate? If this is hard for you, ask for honest feedback from someone who knows you well. Which of these describes your current parenting behavior? Which of these describes the parent you WANT to be?

• Permissive/Indulgent: “my child’s best friend.” High level of parental involvement, child input, flexibility; low levels of structure & parental control. The child feels “in charge.” Rules by whatever seems to bring about the least amount of resistance from the child.
  
  
• Authoritarian/Inflexible: parenting by the adage of “because I said so.” High levels of parental involvement, parental control, and structure; low levels of flexibility & child input. Parent expects respect from child but not the other way around. Rules by threats and intimidation.
  
  
• Authoritative/Flexible: a balance between the extremes of authoritarian and permissive. High levels of parent AND child involvement. High levels of structure, but also responsiveness and flexibility. The parent believes “I’m in charge, but I’ll consider your feelings, respect your opinions, and give you opportunities to make choices.” Rules by logic, offering explanations and natural consequences when struggles occur. Research supports that children of authoritative parents develop essential life skills, including self-confidence, problem-solving, persistence, and resilience, that enable them to form healthy relationships and be successful in school and at work.
  
  
• Uninvolved/Disengaged: low level of parental involvement, low level of interest, low levels of structure. High level of child control, but out of necessity; child may assume adult roles/responsibilities because parent isn’t there to participate or help. Uninvolved/disengaged parenting may result from parental struggles such as trauma, financial or relationship stress, mental or physical health issues, etc.

How Does Your Parenting Style Impact Your Co-Parenting?

The attitudes and behaviors associated with your parenting style can spill over into your relationships with other people including your co-parent. Let’s dive deeper into the connection between the two.

• Permissive/Indulgent: oftentimes, lets other parent take charge, worried about and avoidant of conflict so doesn’t express opinions. OR may be fixated on being the “favorite” or “friend” of the child(ren) at the expense of the co-parenting relationship.
  
  
• Authoritative/Flexible: expresses needs/opinions, communicates respectfully, asserts boundaries. Uses a collaborative, problem-solving approach. Views co-parent as a partner, keeps child(ren)’s well-being at the forefront, can be flexible for the greater good.
  
  
• Authoritarian/Inflexible: oftentimes, it’s my way or the highway. Forceful in exerting views, struggles to compromise, can be combative. May view co-parent as the “enemy.”
  
  
• Uninvolved/Disengaged: may disengage, cede responsibility over child care or decisions to the other parent, refuse to work together.

Still Struggling? Koh-Parenting Can Help!