As a co-parent, you’re juggling countless daily responsibilities to provide for your child. But ironically, those responsibilities can take you away from the very person you’re trying to support! Your relationship with your child needs to be nurtured and tended to frequently, and when it’s not, you both can suffer.

If you’ve ever wondered how you can keep up with your to-do list and carve out space for quality interactions with your child, look no further! This week, we’re sharing a simple and effective way to make the most of your togetherness: the concept of “special time.”

The Gist

What is “special time?”

“Special time” is a period in your family schedule designated for one-on-one interaction with your child. It can be brief (even 10 minutes!) and doesn’t need to have a specific agenda. The main goal is to give your child your undivided attention, bond in a meaningful way without screens or devices or other people present, and reaffirm your love (Read more).

This concept takes inspiration from attachment theory and aligns with positive discipline principles. We know from years of research that all kids need to connect with their primary caregivers and feel understood and unconditionally loved. This gives them the safety to process their thoughts and feelings, learn, and explore the world. Without a strong and reliable bond with their parents, children can struggle to regulate themselves and form healthy relationships. Over time, this can impact their physical and mental health, socialization, and school and career success.

No one is perfect and it’s normal for your connection to your loved ones to ebb and flow. There will be periods when you’ll have more energy and resources to devote to your child, and busier periods when finding that time gets tricky. But when the scale is tipped too far in the latter direction, you might notice a change… and not for the better. Kids sometimes act out, and may be generally more prone to challenging behavior like defiance, tantrums, clinginess, etc. when they’re feeling deprived of your attention.

Think of it this way: each of us has an invisible cup for our essential needs, like food, water, and sleep. When you’re hungry, you fill yourself with food, thirsty, with drink, and tired, with rest. if you’re unable to do so, your well-being suffers- and pretty quickly at that! Connection is another one of those basic things we humans require to survive and thrive, at any age. Your child has an invisible cup that must be filled with your love and attention. “Special time” is a means to ensure that you’re making regular deposits into your child’s love bank to keep your child feeling level and regulated.

Special Time: A Special Sauce for Separated Parents?

Kids whose parents have separated or divorced witness not only the break up of their family unit but also of the world as they know it. In the long run, this momentous life decision can be to their benefit, as they’ll do better with happier parents who fight less and feel more fulfilled! But in the short term, it may alter their sense of safety and cause them to question their worth or blame themselves. In these situations, “special time” can be an especially useful tool and can give you the power to impact how your child copes. You and your co-parent can utilize “special time” to offer reassurance of your love and safety. This in turn can ease your child’s adjustment to the evolving family dynamics and bolster resilience.

“Special time” also helps kids navigate custody arrangements. The amount of time a child spends with each parent typically changes as a consequence of the separation and this can place a strain on their relationship. Furthermore, transitioning between households can be confusing and evoke strong feelings in kids. A strategically-placed “special time” can help kids cope with these emotions and make the most out of their custody time with each parent.

The Magic Formula:

If the idea of turning short moments with your child into powerful experiences intimidates you, we encourage you to stop, breathe, and take the pressure off yourself. We’re here to reassure you that you can do it! The essential components of “special time” are pretty simple, and should feel doable and enjoyable for both you and your child. Here are the basics :

• A non-negotiable part of your schedule: Pencil it in, and do everything you can to make sure it happens. Yes, life may get in the way from time to time, but do your best. Most importantly, do NOT use the removal of “special time” as a threat or punishment (for ex., “if you don’t listen to me right now then there will be no special time later!”). Your child may need this time even more when struggling.
• Playful: Make it fun and entertaining. You should be able to smile, laugh, and revel in each other’s presence. Now wouldn’t be the time for lectures or academics.
• Screen-free: Remove all distractions or barriers to the connection between you both.
• Interactive: Your child should be able to take the lead most of the time, with you stepping in as needed to (gently) redirect behavior or otherwise ensure that you stay on a positive track. Either way, you both should spend most of the time as active participants rather than passive observers.

Let’s take a look at how “special time” looks in the real world. Here’s an outline of the steps you can take to incorporate the practice into your family repertoire. Keep in mind that you’ll need to revisit and reevaluate how you do things based on everyone’s needs and preferences. You may also wish to talk to your parenting partner about your intentions, especially if incorporating “special time” impacts your child’s schedule.

• Plan: Think about the when, where, what. When would be best to pencil this into your schedule? How much time can you comfortably allot for it? Ideally “special time” would be daily, but if you’re unable to or don’t see your child as often due to your custody schedule, start with what seems doable for you. Keep in mind that even 10 minutes can be enough!
  
  
• Prepare: Prepare yourself and your child. You will need to put aside whatever negative feelings you’re holding (concerning the time with your child or any other issue) to be fully present and positive-minded. Engage in calming activities, remind yourself of the importance of your efforts, etc. Prepare your child by introducing the concept. Tell your child that time with him is very important to you and moving forward you’ll be adding “Special Time” to your schedule. You can even give it a special name- “Mommy and me time,” “[child’s name] time,” etc. Explain in very basic terms: “this time is just for you and my attention is all for you! The only rules are to play, have fun, and be safe.”
  
  
• Implement: When the time comes, ask your child what she’d like to do (or you can alternate and take turns deciding, as long as the activity meets the guidelines for playfulness). Activities might include: board games, pretend play, building something together, playing a physical game (hide and seek, roughhousing, charades, etc.). With older kids, you may need to think outside the box and do things like go for a walk and talk, have them teach you their favorite video game, make a social media video/reel, etc. Then, get to it!

  Engage with your child with eye contact and enthusiasm, and take the opportunity to praise positive behaviors and express love and affection. Keep an eye on the clock so that you stick with the length you’ve decided on for that day; while you don’t want to “cut off” your bonding, realistically you want to be sure to give your child fair warning of the time frame for “special time” specifically. With young children whose concept of time is limited, you may want to set an alarm on your phone or use a timer.

• End on a Positive Note: When the time is up, give your child a hug or other sign of affection and tell how much you’ve enjoyed yourself and look forward to future “special time” with him. Then, move on to the next activity. Expect that your child may protest and ask for more time- but keep to the limit you have given. It’s important to follow through on your word with this just as you would with anything else. You can always decide to lengthen or adjust the time moving forward if it seems necessary and feasible.

Special time tips for Co-Parents:

As we stated earlier, special time can be hugely impactful for separated parenting partners and their children. Here are some additional tips for utilizing special time in your co-parenting.