Does watching your child go from your care to your ex’s and back again tear at your heart? Custody exchanges are typically an inescapable reality for most co-parents, whether through legal agreement or through an informal schedule worked out between you. There’s no denying that they’re one of the hardest parts about co-parenting, but they’re also one of the most vital to get right. With that in mind, we bring you a two-part series on the topic. In this week’s post, we’re sharing our 4-step process for executing a peaceful transition in your child’s best interest. Read on to learn how to make the most of your precious time together!
Gist
- Custody exchanges are a part of life for most co-parenting families.
- Custody exchanges can be triggering for parents and children alike and can evoke strong feelings.
- Children may display challenging behavior around custody exchange times.
- Co-parents can support their children by managing their own feelings first, working as a team, asking about their children’s experience and suggestions for ways to make it better, and prioritizing bonding and connection time.
The Pain of Parting:
Making the decision to have a child- it is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart walking around outside of your body.
This quote captures the experience for us, as parents, to have our children forever in our hearts. It’s instinctual for us to seek physical and emotional closeness to them, and being apart, therefore, can feel uncomfortable to downright painful at times.
Of course, some separations can be normal and necessary events that help kids grow into independent adults (for ex., going to school for the first time, learning to drive a car, moving out for college, etc.). Parents usually experience mixed emotions, like sadness and joy, on these occasions, but they know to expect them as part of the natural progression of life. But the transitions that come along with co-parenting, like shuttling your child back and forth between you and your ex may feel like an unwelcome and uncomfortable change in plans.
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Custody exchanges can be challenging for a variety of reasons, including:
- Sadness (yours, your parenting partner’s, or your child’s) related to being apart
Lingering feelings (resentment, anger, sadness, etc.), unresolved issues, and/or ongoing conflict related to the separation, which may be exacerbated or triggered anew if you must have face-to-face contact with your ex (during the custody exchange)
Logistical issues (like difficulty coordinating travel/transportation, schedules, etc.)
Inconsistent parenting partner (a partner who may not follow through on the custody agreement, may show up inconsistently for visitations, change plans at the last minute, etc.)
Child-related issues: Your child may still be processing the changes in your family dynamic, and this can make transitioning between households all the more difficult. This may be even more pronounced if your child has specialized health, emotional, or learning needs (for ex., neurodivergence, anxiety disorder, physical illness, developmental delay, etc.)
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Custody Exchanges: What To Expect
We’ve established that custody exchanges are significant events and can be stressful. Let’s discuss what you and your parenting partner may expect to see from your child surrounding these transition times.
As always, keep in mind that every family is unique and therefore responses may vary.
Increased emotionality (more intense reactions than usual, mood swings, tantrums or meltdowns)- Lower tolerance for frustration or stress
- Regression (for ex.: decrease in skills, acting younger than age, setbacks in processing of feelings about the separation)
- Separation anxiety (for kids or parents): increased distress at being apart, even for limited periods of time like the school/work day, bedtime, playdates, etc.; “clinginess”
- Lack of cooperation: defiance of rules or agreements, unwillingness to compromise or be flexible
Withdrawal (from people or activities) - Behaving in a manner that creates a distraction or otherwise avoids or delays the transition
- Rigidity: sticking to rigid rules or routines without variation even unnecessary or even counterproductive
- Changes in sleeping, eating, exercise habits
Note: At Koh-Parenting, we know that every co-parenting situation is different. There is no “cookie cutter” family and no “perfect recipe” for how to get it right. The information we share covers a wide range of possibilities to reflect that variety, and to offer something for everyone. However, we can say with total certainty that NO amount of violence- physical, emotional, or sexual- is EVER acceptable. If you fear for your safety during custody exchanges, please seek professional help. There are strategies you can use to protect yourself and your child, such as meeting at a neutral location, or bringing a support person with you. Trained personnel and your legal team can help you devise a safety plan. One available resource is: 800-799-SAFE, the National Domestic Violence hotline.
Shifting the Custody Exchange Mood:
For most co-parents living apart, custody exchanges are a fact of life. Whether you arranged your custody schedule through the court system or informally between you both, chances are at one point or another you’ll have to deal with transitioning your child between households. Remember though that while these exchanges may be unavoidable, you do have the power to change the tenor of the experience for the better, for you and your child. Ultimately, you want to convey confidence: confidence in your ability to be ok while your child is gone, confidence in your co-parent’s ability to care for your child, and confidence in your child to manage the transition and thrive.
Note: Once a custody agreement is in place, you may not be able to veer from it without legal action or the written consent of your parenting partner. If you and your co-parent have legal obligations set up through the court, it is important to follow those plans to avoid any legal issues.
Wondering how you can do this? Here’s our 4 step method for peaceful custody exchanges.
1. Center yourself.
2. Communicate and collaborate with your co-parent.
3. Cultivate a calm commute.
4. Connect.
To get you started, check out our previous post and learning guides below.
Other tips:
The familiar can be comforting. Find ways for your child to bring parts of each household with him wherever he goes. This could mean bringing special transitional objects- like a beloved toy, blanket, journal, etc.- from one place to another. It could also mean coordinating aspects of your child’s life or routine to be similar in both places; for example, you and your co-parent could follow the same bedtime ritual with the same stories and songs before lights out, or you could both make sure to have your child’s favorite snack on hand.
Think about your child’s network in either household. Connections with other loved ones- be they peers, other adult caregivers like teachers or coaches, relatives, etc.- can play significant roles in your child’s life. When they can be involved, these people can support her through transitions and make custody time with either parent more enjoyable. Do what you can to facilitate these interactions when your child is in your care. On the flip side, remember that she may wish to stay in contact with others she knows through your parenting partner so try to accommodate the need to FaceTime friends.
Research over the years consistently shows that shared custody benefits children. Kids who spend time with each of their parents do better socially, academically, and emotionally (Read More). Use this week’s post to stress less and bond more before, during, and after custody exchanges. Your relationship will reap the benefits for years to come!
But what do you do when your child resists this special time with you or your co-parent? Stay tuned for next week’s part 2 of our series, where we’ll share our ideas for this and other custody exchange dilemmas.
