The temperature’s heating up, but your co-parenting can still stay cool! The summer ushers in a few months of fun and adventure, but can also throw some curveballs at families. With that in mind, this week we at Koh-Parenting bring you our summer survival guide for co-parents. Read on for ways to weather the summer storms and squeeze the most enjoyment out of the coming weeks.
Enjoy, and happy summer!
The Gist
Summertime often seems more relaxing in theory than it does in reality. The season can bring lots of fun, but can create stress for co-parenting families.
Sources of summer stress can include the pressure of high expectations, logistical challenges navigating busy schedules and custody issues, strong emotions triggered by memories from years past, and the strain of depleted resources (including childcare and finances).
Your attitude going into the season rubs off on your child and can dictate the outcome. It can be helpful to accept that summer won’t always go according to plan. Engage in self-reflection to prioritize your goals and identify supports to get you through difficult times.
Communicate with your co-parent to coordinate your plans and rules, keeping your child’s best interest front of mind.
Summer “Vacation:” A Myth or Reality?
Many people mark a countdown to the start of summer each year, and for good reason! Our society hypes up “summer” as a carefree time filled with quality family bonding, laughter, and sunshine. But does the reality match the myth? Many co-parents would likely say that it’s not always all fun and games, and some co-parents would even call it stressful. In the end, it can leave both parents and kids feeling like it’s anything but a “vacation.”
Summer can be challenging for co-parenting families for a variety of reasons, including:
- Break with the routine: Humans of any age are creatures of habit. Summer often changes schedules and routines, which can throw us off-kilter.
- High expectations: The time-limited nature of “summer” can put pressure on co-parents to do as many fun and exciting activities as they can with their children, as quickly as possible.
- Trigger moments: Many special family memories are made during the summer. Co-parents and their children may feel nostalgia or even grief over the vacations or traditions they used to have before the separation.
- Multiple transitions (custody): Separated parenting partners must figure out how to divvy up responsibilities during the extended break. In situations where co-parents live farther apart, the long-distance parent may have significant custody time during the summer months. In other cases where co-parents live nearby, they may find they need to shuttle their children back and forth between households more often as they scramble to meet their childcare needs. Either way, these multiple transitions can be hard on everyone and may evoke strong emotions.
- Expenses: All this summer merriment doesn’t come cheap! Camps, equipment, vacations, etc. can all add up quickly, straining finances and causing stress.
- Childcare/ struggle to balance work and life: As we mentioned earlier, school closure requires parents to find alternate childcare arrangements, which can be stressful in and of itself. When time off isn’t possible kids may spend a good chunk of the time with alternate caregivers or entertaining themselves at home while their parents work. Co-parents may consequently feel guilt over their “work/life balance.”
- The unpredictability of weather= difficulty making concrete plans: In various parts of the world, people choose to take advantage of the summer months to for outdoor events and activities. However, weather can be unpredictable and can spoil plans.
Shift to Your Mindset, Save Your Summer
You can still salvage your summer despite the factors listed above by first taking charge of your mindset. You’ll find this a lot easier if you identify and let go of things beyond your control. Accept that there will be some highs and lows, your child may have moments of defiance or misbehavior as they adjust to everything going on, and that you and your co-parent may struggle at times to come to a consensus on summer plans. Normalizing this can help you to prepare yourself and also to set realistic expectations for the summer.
Spend some time reflecting on what you need to be at your best throughout the highs and lows of the next few months. You can ask yourself some of these questions:
- What is your vision for you and your child? Pare down your summer bucket list to those items that are most meaningful (and doable!) for you both.
- How will you handle your interactions with your parenting partner this summer? Will you need to have more/less contact? How can you work together while maintaining appropriate boundaries?
- How will you cope? What steps can you take to care for your physical, emotional, and financial health during this time?
Be sure to build in breaks for yourself, and lean on your support system; the summer can feel very long if you’re caring for your child entirely on your own the majority of the time.
Strategies to Thrive (Not Just Survive!) This summer
Now that you’ve worked to get into the right headspace, you can begin taking concrete action steps to set your family up for success. These steps may vary based on your family’s preferences and priorities, your child’s age and personality, the dynamics of your relationship with your co-parent, and whatever else you have on your plate at this time of year. We’ve listed our suggestions below, but we encourage you to get creative and individualize to suit your needs.
Beforehand:
- Do as much planning, as far in advance as you can. You and your parenting partner can each map out your schedules for the summer and then work together to coordinate a master calendar for your child.
- Comb through the details. You and your co-parent will want to discuss things like travel itineraries, activity costs/equipment/transportation, and information on whoever will be interacting with your child (such as relatives, new romantic partners, step-siblings, etc.). Sometimes the little things matter!
Let’s say, for example, you and your parenting partner are alternating weeks. You may wish to take your child away on vacation for your week, but perhaps your parenting partner wishes to do the same the week after. This would mean your child is away from the security of a home base for two weeks—which may not work based on her age or personality. In this case, you’d want to talk this through to decide what’s best. - Make arrangements for childcare and activity enrollment as soon as possible, as programs fill up quickly and have tight deadlines. You may also have to complete detailed registration forms or pay in advance. Divide your responsibilities to ensure you’re both following the necessary steps for your child to participate.
- Consider also how you’ll help your child acquire the skills to be comfortable in the planned activities/events. For example, if your child will be doing a drop-off day camp during her visit with your ex but you have custody leading up to that time, you may want to practice things such as getting changed for swimming, packing a bag, tying shoes, etc.
- Review expectations. Summertime presents scenarios that may require additional conversations about behavior and safety. What will your rules be in regard to swimming? Sun protection? Etc.? You may also need to outline guidelines for the extra downtime, especially for older children who may be home alone. How will you manage screen time? Discuss these issues with your co-parent and do your best to get on the same page; your child will benefit from structure and consistency between households.
- Prepare your child. Share the summer plans and expectations and allow him to give input and express his opinions or preferences.
During:
- Communicate frequently with your parenting partner and your child in regard to any changes to plans or schedules.
- Post a visual schedule, or share electronically (through an app, for example) so that your child can access the information as needed.
- Stay on top of any required school summer projects or assignments. Be sure to collaborate with your parenting partner to ensure that your child completes them; you don’t want to be scrambling at the end of the summer to get things done.
- Be patient. As we’ve mentioned, emotions can run high at times during the summer months; punishing yourself, your parenting partner, or your child for your feelings won’t make them go away. You can (and should!) still enforce appropriate behavior, but you can also make efforts to acknowledge and validate where each of you is coming from.
- Take advantage of time without your child! You may miss your child when he’s with the other parent, but you can also use the opportunity to do things for yourself.
- When things get hard, try to find the positives. Forcing your brain to notice what’s going well can pull you out of the negativity fog and improve your mood.
- Practice mindfulness. Try to disconnect from the stresses of everyday life so that you can be fully present. Take advantage of whatever moments your schedule does allow to bond, laugh, and play with your child.
From “Surviving” to “Thriving”
Summer packs a potent punch in such a condensed time period, but (for better or worse) it also passes by in the blink of an eye. With our survival guide, you can make the most of the season and allow its magic to create lasting memories for you and your child. Whatever your plans may be, we wish you a joyful, relaxing summer! Stay tuned for next week as we’ll delve deeper into practical strategies for the many other transitions co-parents encounter throughout the year.
